Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Dating 101

Ok class, today we will be discussing dating. And we will also briefly discuss why I like to refer to my readers as 'class'. It's somewhat ironic because I have no desire to be a teacher. This is mostly due to my lack of patience. I also have no desire to pray for patience because then I would be asking God to send things to irritate me. I'll pray for that about the time that I have kids and need to teach them things. But I'll need a husband to make those kids, and that brings us back to dating. So here we go.

I recently sat down with a friend in Starbucks, and after an intense discussion about socks and followed by theories of how the word 'silliness' should be pluralized since it's a noun, we started discussing dating. This is when I realized, I have a lot of absurd ideas about dating...I should blog them. Now my disclaimer: I'm not sure if a man's mind works the same way, so if you're a man and you start reading this and it makes you dizzy and confused, then stop reading, shut the computer down, and walk away. The mind of a woman is a dangerous place if you're not up for the challenge.

Class Summary
Now, I have named this Dating 101, because if I was in any higher level than that, I'd be dating. I blame this partially on not passing my test out of high school. The test being 'Dont Have a Serious Relationship in High School'. Fail. So, I got held back and had to take remedial courses. And here I am now, hoping it doesn't take four years like college to find a date because, again, I have no patience.

I have been on a few dates since failing my high school relationship test, and from those experiences, I've formulated a series of rules on dating. These rules, of course, pertain to no one in particular and are generally ignored when I don't feel like paying them any attention. Why, you ask? Because they're made me...only to be regarded in dry spells where there is no dating. So these are my personal rules on dating.

Rule 1: Three fo' Free

  • First of all, anyone who jumped to inappropriate things based on that title...get your minds out of the gutter.

  • This means that you get three dates with no strings attached. You're not "dating". You're not "in a relationship". You simply went on a date. After three, you better decide if it's someone you want to date because you're outa free stuff, buddy.

  • Group dates don't count. The dynamics are all weird and people act differently. Also, movie dates are weird because you don't talk, unless you're the annoying people at the theater.

Rule 2: No Double-Dipping

  • Once you have officially dated someone, deemed it a bad fit, and broken up with that person...don't do it again. Nobody likes a double-dipper.

  • Officially dating someone means you have spent some time with that person and gotten to know them and they have gotten to know you. There's a pretty good chance that the "real you" and the "real them" are fundamentally the same people no matter how much time has passed and will, eventually, have the same fundamental problems.

Rule 3: The Well-but Theory

  • This applies once you have begun the dating sequence with a person and are attempting to describe them to someone else.

  • If you must begun the sentence with 'Well', you're probably in for some trouble, and you can guarantee that trouble if you have a 'but' in that same sentence.

  • Ex: WELL he has a beautiful smile, BUT he doesn't brush his teeth.

Rule 4: Mama Knows

  • This one is pretty obvious: your mother knows. She knows: you, your attributes, and the attributes a partner needs to put up with you. Ask her for an opinion if you're serious about someone...if you're serious.

Rule 5: Quirk it Up

  • Disclosing quirky tendencies isn't just a way to complain (although it IS great for complaining). It's a way to get to know people. They understand a a few things about the way you operate, and hopefully the person shares a little with you. It's an icebreaker of sorts.

  • I'm a firm believer in throwing the quirky things out on the table real quick. I don't think you need to be married to someone for 10 years to figure out that you hate having spare socks in the laundry or messy toothpaste caps in the bathroom or that hole patterns make you gag or that you have burping contests with your grandpa. Just to name a few.

  • Probably not a bad time to let them know about food allergies too. Just in case.

Rule 6: Height Requirements

  • Ok, these may or may not be important to you, but the height of the person you date is definitely a discussion topic.

  • Being of what I think is average height, but some people believe is gargantuan, like my guys tall. This is for a few reasons:

  1. I like to wear high heels. We're talking 5 inches, baby. That makes me right around 6'0".

  2. I don't like feeling like a circus act while wearing my high heels. Tall guy + Average-height girl in high heels = Proportionate

  3. I like feeling like my date is bigger than me and can protect me. I don't wanna have to save him from a mugger and carry him bride-style to safety (in my high heels, of course).

Now, I'm sure I have a whole lot of other rules that I've either a) forgotten or b) can't post. But I think you've gotten the gist of my ability to overanalyze a situation. But don't worry, Friend I Drank Coffee With, I'm not counting that as Date #1.

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