Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Me Duele La Cabeza

Ok Class, today we will be talking about headaches! Does anyone know what a headache is?...(Females) YES! So everything I mention today will be very accurate and scientific; it will be based in extensive research. But also, it is Opposite Day, which is a holiday that school children invented to justifying lying. So perhaps it is the opposite of accurate and scientific, but then again if I say it's not extensively researched and it's Opposite Day, then it must be legitimately researched (woooo...spooky Opposite Day logic). Since you're not school children, I'll just say that I hate researching things and I'm going to make it all up...tsk tsk, always having to simplify things for adults.

So lately, Facebook has informed me of an outbreak of headaches. According to me, there are numerous types of headaches, which are categorized as follows:

  • The Achy: when your head just kinda pounds all over, not too high on the pain scale, but tops out the irritating scale

  • The Squeezy: when it feels like there's a vise on your temples and your brain might come out of your eyeballs, both painful and irritating, results in a lack of focus

  • The Fireball: this one is specific to those with MSG intolerance, feels like your brain is on fire, often accompanied with a rise in temperature of your ears and a stiff neck

  • The Magician: now you feel it, now you don't, this headaches is localized throbbing that comes and goes and sometimes moves to different locations, usually starts behind the ear

  • The Sneak Attack: a mild ache that you don't even notice until something irritates you or someone says, "Ugh, my head hurts.", could have this for days without know and it is often followed by a period (for females, of course)

  • The Migraine: the dreaded headache that comes from nowhere and knocks you on your butt, usually accompanied by nausea and light sensitivity, best handled by a brain restart aka sleeping until it's gone

Now, that we know what a headache is, we could discuss where they come from. But we won't. Mostly because we like to talk about conspiracies at home. Our favorites right now revolve around the FDA, pharmaceutical companies, chemical additives, and the government. But that is a whole different blog; one that will likely end up on an FBI watch list or something. So instead, let's go on to the next paragraph.

This paragraph includes headache theories (some specifically for Cowlitz County), again formulated by me:

  • Theory 1: We are like little lab mice that live in the dark and when the sun comes out, it burns our eyeballs resulting in headaches.

  • Theory 2: The mills have to stop putting all their yucky mill stuff in the air when it gets sunny because we can see it, which is stupid of them and also of us. Anyway, during that time our heads and lungs clear up. Then when the clouds come back and they can disguise the pollution as bad weather, everybody gets headaches from exposure for a few days.

  • Theory 3: Vitamin D deficiency. I don't know why, but I know we don't get enough.

  • Theory 4: The technology vortex, which makes us stare at tiny words all day.

  • Theory 5: Most people have a Sneak Attack headache already waiting. Then they get on Facebook and one of the 783 friends says on the news feed 'SoandSo Jones has the worst headache ever in the whole history of the world' and BAM! Sneak Attack! You read it, you got it. The hot potato of the headache world.

Now, we let's discuss how to get rid of a headache. Now, perhaps it's just me here, but it seems like when a woman gets a headache, she will have that same headache for the rest of her life. And if it's not the Sneak Attack, then don't say anything about it, because then she will have two. And a guy, well, who ever hears about a guy with a headache. They either have concussions or they are using the phrase to express frustration. Now, here is the magical key. Guys take a nap! I got a Fireball Magician yesterday at work, and guess what I did about it. I worked all day, went to Zumba class, had dinner, hung out with the family, and otherwise functioned as though nothing was different. The only tell was that I groaned, "Oh my head hurts!" when the Magician part of it resurfaced. Now, assuming I was a male and I had the same headache, I would have immediately gone home and taken a nap on the couch. I'm not going to say which approach is better because they both have their pros and cons, but at least they're both out there.

Well, now you know everything there is to know about headaches, more specifically, everything I know about headaches. If you do get a headache one day, drink some water, take a nap, do what you need to do to get rid of it. But don't tell me about it, because I don't want a Sneak Attack.

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