Dating 101

Ok class, today we will be discussing dating. And we will also briefly discuss why I like to refer to my readers as 'class'. It's somewhat ironic because I have no desire to be a teacher. This is mostly due to my lack of patience. I also have no desire to pray for patience because then I would be asking God to send things to irritate me. I'll pray for that about the time that I have kids and need to teach them things. But I'll need a husband to make those kids, and that brings us back to dating. So here we go.

I recently sat down with a friend in Starbucks, and after an intense discussion about socks and followed by theories of how the word 'silliness' should be pluralized since it's a noun, we started discussing dating. This is when I realized, I have a lot of absurd ideas about dating...I should blog them. Now my disclaimer: I'm not sure if a man's mind works the same way, so if you're a man and you start reading this and it makes you dizzy and confused, then stop reading, shut the computer down, and walk away. The mind of a woman is a dangerous place if you're not up for the challenge.

Class Summary
Now, I have named this Dating 101, because if I was in any higher level than that, I'd be dating. I blame this partially on not passing my test out of high school. The test being 'Dont Have a Serious Relationship in High School'. Fail. So, I got held back and had to take remedial courses. And here I am now, hoping it doesn't take four years like college to find a date because, again, I have no patience.

Description
I have been on a few dates since failing my high school relationship test, and from those experiences, I've formulated a series of rules on dating. These rules, of course, pertain to no one in particular and are generally ignored when I don't feel like paying them any attention. Why, you ask? Because they're made up...by me...only to be regarded in dry spells where there is no dating. So these are my personal rules on dating.

Rule 1: Three fo' Free

• First of all, anyone who jumped to inappropriate things based on that title...get your minds out of the gutter.


• This means that you get three dates with no strings attached. You're not "dating". You're not "in a relationship". You simply went on a date. After three, you better decide if it's someone you want to date because you're outa free stuff, buddy.


• Group dates don't count. The dynamics are all weird and people act differently. Also, movie dates are weird because you don't talk, unless you're the annoying people at the theater.

Rule 2: No Double-Dipping

• Once you have officially dated someone, deemed it a bad fit, and broken up with that person...don't do it again. Nobody likes a double-dipper.


• Officially dating someone means you have spent some time with that person and gotten to know them and they have gotten to know you. There's a pretty good chance that the "real you" and the "real them" are fundamentally the same people no matter how much time has passed and will, eventually, have the same fundamental problems.

Rule 3: The Well-but Theory

• This applies once you have begun the dating sequence with a person and are attempting to describe them to someone else.


• If you must begun the sentence with 'Well', you're probably in for some trouble, and you can guarantee that trouble if you have a 'but' in that same sentence.


• Ex: WELL he has a beautiful smile, BUT he doesn't brush his teeth.

Rule 4: Mama Knows

• This one is pretty obvious: your mother knows. She knows: you, your attributes, and the attributes a partner needs to put up with you. Ask her for an opinion if you're serious about someone...if you're serious.

Rule 5: Quirk it Up

• Disclosing quirky tendencies isn't just a way to complain (although it IS great for complaining). It's a way to get to know people. They understand a a few things about the way you operate, and hopefully the person shares a little with you. It's an icebreaker of sorts.


• I'm a firm believer in throwing the quirky things out on the table real quick. I don't think you need to be married to someone for 10 years to figure out that you hate having spare socks in the laundry or messy toothpaste caps in the bathroom or that hole patterns make you gag or that you have burping contests with your grandpa. Just to name a few.


• Probably not a bad time to let them know about food allergies too. Just in case.

Rule 6: Height Requirements

• Ok, these may or may not be important to you, but the height of the person you date is definitely a discussion topic.


• Being of what I think is average height, but some people believe is gargantuan, like my guys tall. This is for a few reasons:

1. I like to wear high heels. We're talking 5 inches, baby. That makes me right around 6'0".


2. I don't like feeling like a circus act while wearing my high heels. Tall guy + Average-height girl in high heels = Proportionate


3. I like feeling like my date is bigger than me and can protect me. I don't wanna have to save him from a mugger and carry him bride-style to safety (in my high heels, of course).

Now, I'm sure I have a whole lot of other rules that I've either a) forgotten or b) can't post. But I think you've gotten the gist of my ability to overanalyze a situation. But don't worry, Friend I Drank Coffee With, I'm not counting that as Date #1.

For Mother's Day

For this Mother's Day, I have decided to adapt a passage from the Bible. This may or may not be blasphemous, but I think it stays true to the character of the verse and describes my beautiful mother perfectly (I included the original passage at the bottom). Happy Mother's Day!

Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
She makes cute little dresses for
all her daughters; blazers for her sons.
She is like the freight trucks,
bringing her food from Winco.
She stays up late at night;
she can throw down in the kitchen
and there's always new music for her Zumba class.
She considers a business and starts it;
out of her earnings she begins another.
She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her purses and Zumba gear are profitable,
and her electricity bill is always paid.
In her hand she holds the needle and thread
and grasps the sewing machine with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in big puffy jackets.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is dressed with beauty and style.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She orders Zumba garments and sells them,
and supplies the ladies with purses.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness (or gluten).
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.


Original Passage
10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Me Duele La Cabeza

Ok Class, today we will be talking about headaches! Does anyone know what a headache is?...(Females) YES! So everything I mention today will be very accurate and scientific; it will be based in extensive research. But also, it is Opposite Day, which is a holiday that school children invented to justifying lying. So perhaps it is the opposite of accurate and scientific, but then again if I say it's not extensively researched and it's Opposite Day, then it must be legitimately researched (woooo...spooky Opposite Day logic). Since you're not school children, I'll just say that I hate researching things and I'm going to make it all up...tsk tsk, always having to simplify things for adults.

So lately, Facebook has informed me of an outbreak of headaches. According to me, there are numerous types of headaches, which are categorized as follows:

• The Achy: when your head just kinda pounds all over, not too high on the pain scale, but tops out the irritating scale


• The Squeezy: when it feels like there's a vise on your temples and your brain might come out of your eyeballs, both painful and irritating, results in a lack of focus


• The Fireball: this one is specific to those with MSG intolerance, feels like your brain is on fire, often accompanied with a rise in temperature of your ears and a stiff neck


• The Magician: now you feel it, now you don't, this headaches is localized throbbing that comes and goes and sometimes moves to different locations, usually starts behind the ear


• The Sneak Attack: a mild ache that you don't even notice until something irritates you or someone says, "Ugh, my head hurts.", could have this for days without know and it is often followed by a period (for females, of course)


• The Migraine: the dreaded headache that comes from nowhere and knocks you on your butt, usually accompanied by nausea and light sensitivity, best handled by a brain restart aka sleeping until it's gone

Now, that we know what a headache is, we could discuss where they come from. But we won't. Mostly because we like to talk about conspiracies at home. Our favorites right now revolve around the FDA, pharmaceutical companies, chemical additives, and the government. But that is a whole different blog; one that will likely end up on an FBI watch list or something. So instead, let's go on to the next paragraph.

This paragraph includes headache theories (some specifically for Cowlitz County), again formulated by me:

• Theory 1: We are like little lab mice that live in the dark and when the sun comes out, it burns our eyeballs resulting in headaches.


• Theory 2: The mills have to stop putting all their yucky mill stuff in the air when it gets sunny because we can see it, which is stupid of them and also of us. Anyway, during that time our heads and lungs clear up. Then when the clouds come back and they can disguise the pollution as bad weather, everybody gets headaches from exposure for a few days.


• Theory 3: Vitamin D deficiency. I don't know why, but I know we don't get enough.


• Theory 4: The technology vortex, which makes us stare at tiny words all day.


• Theory 5: Most people have a Sneak Attack headache already waiting. Then they get on Facebook and one of the 783 friends says on the news feed 'SoandSo Jones has the worst headache ever in the whole history of the world' and BAM! Sneak Attack! You read it, you got it. The hot potato of the headache world.

Now, we let's discuss how to get rid of a headache. Now, perhaps it's just me here, but it seems like when a woman gets a headache, she will have that same headache for the rest of her life. And if it's not the Sneak Attack, then don't say anything about it, because then she will have two. And a guy, well, who ever hears about a guy with a headache. They either have concussions or they are using the phrase to express frustration. Now, here is the magical key. Guys take a nap! I got a Fireball Magician yesterday at work, and guess what I did about it. I worked all day, went to Zumba class, had dinner, hung out with the family, and otherwise functioned as though nothing was different. The only tell was that I groaned, "Oh my head hurts!" when the Magician part of it resurfaced. Now, assuming I was a male and I had the same headache, I would have immediately gone home and taken a nap on the couch. I'm not going to say which approach is better because they both have their pros and cons, but at least they're both out there.

Well, now you know everything there is to know about headaches, more specifically, everything I know about headaches. If you do get a headache one day, drink some water, take a nap, do what you need to do to get rid of it. But don't tell me about it, because I don't want a Sneak Attack.