All the Better to Skype You With My Dear...

January and  February have come and gone and my blogging for the year has skyrocketed from one post, to what is now two posts. Amazing, really. That's a 100% increase. Anyway, since I don't even have the patience to recall the past five weeks, much less write about them, I'll just skip to what I'm thinking about right this second. That way I don't have to write that boring introductory paragraph. So anyway, I had a Skype "date" yesterday and its brought up a lot of potential issues in my head. I've been mulling over this for almost a whole day, and I've compiled a list of shortcomings in developing a relationship over Skype.

POTENTIAL PROBLEMS WITH MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE

1. Might really be spastic. You meet them in person thinking you just had bad internet connection, only to realize that they just move like that.  Just a weird jerky-motion person.
2. Might have an oddly pitched voice. Technology these days lets you sound however you want to sound. Just listen to T-Pain, who consistently sounds like a confused robot. Your date could be using a voice synthesizer just to make them sound normal and be hiding it right outside the video frame!
3. Might have disproportional muscle development in their legs. No, I'm not talking about a handicap. I'm talking like they could be only lifting weights on only one leg like that guy in Lady in the Water with the one big arm. Not only is that a terrible movie, but you'd be going in circles with that guy...literally (ba-dum-cha...<-- drums).
4. Might have a cone shaped head extending backwards. You'd never know! Unless they accidentally turned sideways, of course.
5. Might smell weird. You could probably settle this one by just having a unbiased third party come into the frame and sniff the person. Watch the reaction carefully.
6. Might be reading cue cards. You only think they're not looking straight on because they're looking at the camera, but what if they're actually incredibly socially awkward and their buddies are giving them prompts. Not gonna work out so good on the first solo mission.
7. Might actually just have a pixelated face. No, it wasn't just the camera quality, thats just what their face looks like.

Based on my own experience with the Skype "date", there is one thing I would have done differently if I could go back...props. I was thinking props would be a good idea. Ex: here's my favorite (insert thing) or I just read this (insert book). It's not like you can do much but just sit there anyway. I believe my exact quote for describing my anticipation was, "I feel like I'm preparing for a computerized puppet show." But all my friends kept saying, "Kelsie, no props. That's weird." Wrong! What's weird is having to use assorted office supplies as your props because you didn't bring the good ones. Was he impressed by that binder clip? Probably not. Was I impressed by the Nike's he was wearing and managed to take off without leaning out of the frame? Yes, absolutely. Lesson here is...don't listen to your friends, do the weird thing.

No Leaves, No Slugs

Wow, so I didn't do a very good job at keeping up with my blog since my last post. I could say that I'll start the new year by turning over a new leaf, but why would I say that? I mean really that phrase doesn't make any sense at all. If a leaf was in a position that you could actually turn it over, there's a couple problems with the situation. Let me elaborate...1) The leaf is dead. Why is a dead leaf the example for starting over? 2)  Why would you turn over a leaf? My experience living in Washington tells me that there's a big, nasty slug under that leaf...and 3) What you accomplish by turning said leaf over? The brown, soggy side is usually already on the bottom. With that being said, I will not be turning over any leaves. No leaves, no slugs...that's my motto. Also, I'll probably forget to blog again for about a month.

In the event that you're wondering why I'm not sharing my thoughts and feelings (and absurdities, of course) on this contraption, here's a list of activities that I sometimes do instead of blogging:

• Crochet slouchy hats
• Color with markers
• Watch Netflix
• Go to Bible study
• Look at shoes online
• Buy shoes online
• Hang out with middle schoolers
• Look at other people's posts on Facebook
• Text my sister from across the room
• Nothing

Anyway, I'm sure something exciting will pop up soon that will motivate me to write something extravagant. And when it does, it definitely won't come from under a leaf. I'll leave my options open as far as origin of interesting things though. All that to say...Welcome 2012, You're Gonna be Interesting...OR ELSE.

Dag Nab It!

Hi, my name is Kelsie and it's been 52 days since I last posted.

Obviously I'm not an avid blogger because if I was, my fan base, aka my mom, my sister, and my friend Garrett, would have reported me as a missing person. My life was boring me, so I didn't write about it. It would have gone like this..."Dear Mom, Today I went to work. I ate some food. Later I watched TV. Now it's bedtime." Actually I'm exaggerating, well underexaggerating. It that a word? Undermining? Underestimating? Eh, whatever the opposite of exaggerating is. I actually had some fun adventures over the past 7 weeks and 3 days, but anyway, I'm back to blogging...at least until I forget again.

My major issue lately is that I have turned from the careful, steady person that I was, into the biggest klutz ever. I'd say within the last three weeks I have dropped, stepped on, knocked down, and tripped over just about everything. For example, two days ago I dropped a cutting board on my foot while make dinner. I also dropped some of that dinner on the floor, but no one noticed so it's fine. Another example, ten minutes ago I dropped cake in the refrigerator and somehow smeared some on the little light thingy at the top. I dropped said cake on my bed...and my shorts. I've also spilled coffee on my desk at work a couple times...the computer tech guy is not going to like me.

Now, I'm not sure what started this whole clumsy thing off, but I find that I constantly frustrate myself. I can't stop dropping things, then subsequently knocking other things over while trying to pick up the first things, and then hitting my head while standing up to catch the second thing. It's almost like watching a cartoon. So, I did what any other American does...I googled an almost complete sentence including some of the words I was thinking and let the computer finish my thought and find some answers. Google didn't read my mind quite right the first time because I'm not a toddler running into things. But eventually I did find some more applicable information. What I've concluded from this was that I'm one of a few possible things:
1) I'm experiencing muscle weakness (my impressive biceps would disagree) OR
2) I have an ear infection OR
3) I'm a wobbly infant and it's normal OR
4) I have post traumatic stress disorder OR
5) I'm pregnant OR
6) Something about gluten (pretty sure my mom is voting for this one)

SOOO basically I've learned nothing. Actually not true, today I learned that clumsy people, as a subculture, tend to type up their weird stories and put them on the internet...case in point, this blog.

Salty Salt Supercedes Stale Salt

Ok, so I found something cool this morning while reading the Good Word and I decided not to wait a "week" to share it. Ready?!

Matthew 5:13 "You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men."

So I was reading in Matthew 5, and in verse 13, Jesus talks about us (his followers) being the salt of the earth. Which I thought was kind of a weird reference, but whatever, He's Jesus, so he can say what he likes. So he, being Jesus, goes on to say if we're not salty anymore, we, his followers, get tossed in the street and trampled on. Now, bear with me, because I actually researched/looked-at-one-website-and-was-satisfied-with-their-answer. Let's think about this. From an American standpoint, I'm envisioning Morton table salt and thinking, how am I like that? And I've never had any unsalty salt, did he just make that up? And doesn't that seem a bit extreme to throw us in the street and have us trampled? That's when I decided to stop and research.

After spending entire minutes typing the topic into google and skimming pages, I found this quote from someone that answered a similar question:

"Maundrell, who visited the lake at Jebbul, tells us that he found salt there which had entirely 'lost its savor,' and the same abounds among the debris at Usdum, and in other localities of rocksalt at the south end of the Dead Sea. Indeed, it is a well-known fact that the salt of this country, when in contact with the ground, or exposed to rain and sun, does become insipid and useless. From the manner in which it is gathered, much earth and other impurities are necessarily collected with it. Not a little of it is so impure that it cannot be used at all, and such salt soon effloresces and turns to dust - not to fruitful soil, however. It is not only good for nothing itself, but it actually destroys all fertility wherever it is thrown; and this is the reason why it is cast into the street. There is a sort of verbal verisimilitude in the manner in which our Lord alludes to the act: 'it is cast out' and 'trodden under foot;' so troublesome is this corrupted salt, that it is carefully swept up, carried forth, and thrown into the street. There is no place about the house, yard, or garden where it can be tolerated. No man will allow it to be thrown on to his field, and the only place for it is the street, and there it is cast to be trodden underfoot of men." *

After reading this, my thoughts were as follows.

1. Maundrell is a such strange name.


2. Adding the cultural perspective completely changed the meaning of this verse. I guess they did teach me something at that Christian university.


3. What is a verisimilitude? (something having the appearance or likelihood of truth...just fyi)


4. Jesus was crazy smart, because the simplicity of the statement can be easily understood, but the complexity of it's meaning can be taken so much further. Poetry really, carefully woven together. To expand further, I'll need another set of bullet points:

• He complements our importance and usefulness as his followers, by calling us something as essential as salt. Our bodies need salt to operate. One of it's functions is that it's used to transmit information in our nerves and cells. Ready for this? We are the salt of the Earth, one of our functions is to transmit information. Love it.


• He implies that we are not inherently essential. Salt is something the body cannot produce; we rely solely on food sources for it. The world cannot produce something as essential as Jesus, our Savior. And yet, by grace we have been transformed to something the world desperately needs to have some information transmitted from.


• He acknowledges our weakness and ability to be comprised. Just as salt can be ruined by overexposure to the elements, so we can lose our connection to God by lifestyle we choose to lead.


• He shows his role as a protector when he removes salt that has lost it's saltiness and throws it in the street. He keeps his salty salt, if you will, and makes sure that the useless salt does not take life from anything around it. Crazy smart, right?

*Http://www.evidenceforchristianity.org/index.php?option=com_custom_content&task=view&id=5280

Father's Day Q & A

For Father's Day, I'm reintroducing Kenya's guest spot on my blog, and opening it up to the other kids. After all, my dad is practically Father Abraham with all the kids we have running around the house. So, here's to Dad. Happy Father's Day!

Kenya, Age 6
Me: Ok, so today we're talking about Dad.
Kenya: Dad (nod)
Me: So what's your Dad's name?
Kenya: Kenneth.
Me: So, how old is he?
Kenya: Umm, 24.
Me: Ok, what does he look like.
Kenya: Tan.
Me: Ok...what else?
Kenya: Just tan...Of his skin.
Me: Ok...is he short?
Kenya: No, he's big. Bigger than this (holds hands apart) Like 24 inches.
Me: Ooo that's a lot of inches. So what do you like to do with Dad?
Kenya: Play.
Me: Ok what kind of games?
Kenya: Like Rock, Paper, Scissors and stuff.
Me: What's something weird that Dad does?
Kenya: He makes us laugh...and tickles us.
Me: That's weird?
Kenya: Yeah
Me: So what kind of nickname does Dad call you?
Kenya: Kenya Joy. And Polliwog.
Me: Kenya, I call you Polliwog, not Dad.
Kenya: Oh I mean Kenya Boy. (laughs, then falls off chair) Oops.

Kyler, Age 7
Me: What's your Dad's name?
Kyler: Kenny
Me: How old is he?
Kyler: 45
Me: What does he look like?
Kyler: Uhh, a moustache and a giant beard under. Fuzzy.
Me: What else does he look like?
Kyler: Huge. He wore huge shoes to church that were pointy.
Me: Ahh church shoes. How tall is he?
Kyler: 6'6"
Me: What do you like about Dad?
Kyler: He plays with us.
Me: What's something goofy that Dad does?
Kyler: Makes faces. Sorry folks, I gotta go to da bafroom.
Me: Are you serious?
Kyler: Yeah (walks to the bathroom).
Me: Ok, thank you for your time sir. (as fan in the bathroom turns on)

Kennedy, Age 9
Me: What's your Dad's name?
Kennedy: Kenny
Me: How old is he?
Kennedy: Forttyyy....umm, four?
Me: What does he look like?
Kennedy: He's white with a blue eye and a green eye. And his hair's gray. He has a...is it called a moustache that goes all the way around?
Me: A goatee?
Kennedy: Yeah. Also, I still wanna guess how old is he right. Is it 44?
Me: I have no idea. (outside source says 45)
Me: What do you like about Dad?
Kennedy: He's umm warm?
Me: What's something goofy that he does?
Kennedy: Jokes. And calls us funny names.
Me: What do you think his favorite things are?
Kennedy: Motorcycles...Can I get a drink?
Me: Yeah go ahead.

Keenan, Age 12
Me: Will you help us out with this thing we're writing for Dad?
Keenan: Sure
Me: What's your favorite thing to do with Dad?
Keenan: I like going hunting with him.
Me: What do you like about Dad?
Keenan: Pretty much everything. Can I talk to Dad now?


Kiana, Age 16 (clearly old enough to write her own section)
Me: What is your Dad's name?
Kiana: Kenny
Me: How old is he?
Kiana: Prolly like forttyy four?
Me: What does your Dad look like?
Kiana: He's tall and white.
Me: What's your favorite thing about your dad?
Kiana: His wallet. (laughs) Just kidding. He's funny. Also, he drives me to school and always gives me lunch money.
Kayla: How many times have you ridden the bus, when we all had to ride it all the time?
Kiana: Prolly never, except for late starts.
Me: What's something weird that dad does?
Kiana: [Removed by writer]
Kayla: What color do you think he looks best in?
Kiana: Brown
Me: Is he a good boy repellent?
Kiana: Yes, they're all sweaty [from nervousness when they meet him].
Kayla: This interview sounds like the kids.
Me: I think we're done here.


Kayla, Age 19 (did her own section & reverted to interview)
Me: Whats the first thing that comes to mind when you think about Dad?
Kayla: The first thing that comes to mind when I think about my Dad is that he is the most morning friendly person I've ever known in my life! While the rest of us can be classified as morning "crankies" (creatures that should be feared and avoided in the am hours by all of mankind) my Dad has always been the cheerful morning type, always whistling away like he's one of the dwarfs from Snow White, darefully offering 'Good Mornings" to all the crankies in the land. This is something I've always laughed about - mostly after I am no longer a 'cranky'!

Me: What's something you really appreciate about Dad?
Kayla: Something I really appreciate about my Dad is that when it comes to humor we are pretty much on the same page. Sarcastic humor is the name of my game, but after I really get going (usually accompanied by the presence of my sisters) sometimes I get pretty obnoxious. At this point, my Dad will be cracking up, sometimes almost to tears, while my Mom seems to be frowning, and looking at the scar on my forehead wondering if I perhaps suffered brain damage when I ran into the door as a newly walking tot. After the release of Napoleon Dynamite came out, to my Mom's horror, I proceeded to talk like Kip for my entire 8th grade year. However, my Dad still breaks down laughing when I imitate Kip or sing "Technology"!

Me: Does your Mom still hate the Kip voice?
Kayla: Yes, very much so.

Me: Overall, how would you describe your Dad?
Kayla: Overall, I would describe my Dad as easy going, kind, caring, inventive, hardworking, and extremely intelligent. However, also, brave and perseverant because he lives in a house with four women who all have a "time of the month", which is no easy feat!

Me: Is there anything else you would like to add?
Kayla: Oh, Dad also used to let me scream/sing as loud as I could in the car the rest of the ride home when we were about two or three blocks out from the house because I was convinced I could break the glass because I could hit such a high notes. Never did break the glass, but I think he thought it was funny. He probably wouldn't have been to happy if I actually did.




Kelsie, Age 22
Kayla: How are you today?
Kelsie: Just dandy.
Kayla: What is your Dad's name?
Kelsie: Ken...that's his professional name. If you're trying to wake him up from his nap it's Kenny.
Kayla: Which name do you think suits him best?
Kelsie: Dad.
Kayla: I meant about the nicknames.
Kelsie: Oh...I don't know I only call him Dad.
Kayla: What is your favorite memory of Dad?
Kelsie: Um...let me think. Probably him picking me up from kindergarten and him hanging out with me at Grandma's. Or the time I got a spider bite and stayed home from school and went on an inspection with Dad.
Kayla: Really? You stayed home for a spider bite?
Kelsie: It was all puffy. I don't know I was among the first set of children, and they were really protective. If the kids got a spider bite now they'd probably be like "You shouldn't have picked up that spider!"
Kayla: What color do you think Dad looks best in?
Kelsie: Black
Kayla: Good color. Do you think he likes this color? (laughs)
Kelsie: Yes, looking at his choice of wives. I guess I should say wife cause it sounds like he has many.
Kayla: What is Dad's favorite type of music?
Kelsie: Rock. Although he does listen to rap and country. I guess he's an eclectic.
Kayla: How do you spell eclectic?
Kelsie: I dunno, either e-c-l-e-c-t-i-c or e-c-c-l-e-c-t-i-c
Kayla: If you could get Dad anything in the world what would it be?
Kelsie: (Lets out long breath) I would get him...umm...a motorcycle, Harley Davidson - Fat boy, beach bars, black and chrome.
Kayla: You could have gotten him a million dollars...just sayin'
Kelsie: Naw, what would he do with a million dollars...buy a Harley Davidson
Kayla: What is the funniest thing Dad has ever done?
Kelsie: Aside from his wardrobe in the 1990s (laughs) I'd say...does he do funny stuff? Or does he just laugh at funny stuff we do?
Kiana: Yea...he just laughs.
Kayla: What about the dog thing?
Kelsie: Oh yeah that was pretty funny.
Kiana: What dog thing?
Kelsie: When he tried to kick the dog and his shoe flew off in the neighbors yard. Although that wasn't intentionally funny.
Kayla: Mom said it was the holy spirit (laughs)
Kelsie: His "I'm on a diet" face is pretty funny too.
Kayla: He probably won't laugh when he reads that though.
Kayla: With a hat or no hat?
Kelsie: He only wears one type of hat. His head is too big for hats.
Kayla: Is Dad a good dancer?
Kelsie: Dad is a decent dancer (very matter of factly).
Kenny: Dad's not a good dancer.
Kelsie: Yea he is. he's not going to breakdance or anything, but he can hold his own.
Kayla: Ok I think we're done.


Kenny, Age 24 (also old enough to write his own section)
Kenny: Interview me, I don't wanna write.
Me: What does your Dad look like?
Kenny: He's a 6'6", 230 lbs, white dude with an alien head like me.
Me: How old is your Dad?
Kenny: 45
Kiana: Oh, can I change my answer?
Kenny: How I know that, cause he had me when he was 20.
Me: What do you like about Dad?
Kenny: Umm, number 1, he's prolly a good male influence to talk to. Umm, I mean he supports me in whatever I do, even if he disagrees with it. Sometimes. And he just understands me. Plus I know I can always rely on him.
Me: What's something goofy Dad does?
Kenny: I'll tell you what dad does. Whenever we go to someones house that is southern, he starts talking like them. He steals their accent.

Babysitter Blog

Everyone once in awhile, I'm left home to babysit my little siblings. It's not too hard if you only take them one at a time. Today, little Kenya was the odd man out in going to the store, so to cheer her up, I offered to let her be on my blog. Apparently, that sounds cooler than it actually is. After she saw that I would just be typing what she said, she commenced playing with my phone. Here's her guest spot:

Kelsie: Ok, let's start with your name. What's your name?
Kenya: (shrugs shoulders)
Kelsie: Ok, your name is Kenya. How old are you?
Kenya: Six? Hey, where'd you even get dis phone? Is dis the phing where you take a picture? (Blows on my iphone) There's lotsa dust on dis phone.
Kelsie: Ok, let's talk about your day? What'd you do today?
Kenya: Sit. And play in da basement.
Kelsie: That sounds fun. What'd you play?
Kenya: Restuarant.
Kelsie: Ooo I forgot how to spell that.
Kenya: Rrrrrr....you can spell it! Hey, why'd you push dat button?
Kelsie: That's the space bar. You push it in between every word so there's a space.
Kenya: Did you just push it?
Kelsie: Mhm.
Kenya: Pushed it again. What are you spelling?
Kelsie: I'm writing down what we're saying.
Kenya: Oh. (smiles)
Kelsie: Now what do you wanna talk about?
Kenya: I don't know. Nothing. (pause) Did you just spell nothing?
Kelsie: Mhm.
Kenya: Dat's a weird story.
Kelsie: Why don't you tell me what you want to be when you grow up?
Kenya: A mermaid. Why don't you just say those words out loud?
Kelsie: Oh, what kind of mermaid?
Kenya: Ariel, with red hair. And a golden suit. And when I get married, I'm gonna wear a green dress instead of a pink dress. (farts) Ha Ha I farted!
Kelsie: uriugrhhfkjkkkkkkk mmmmmmmmmmmm [t
Kenyqa: Hahahaha I spelled Kenyqa. Dat was hilarious. Can we take pictures now?
Kelsie: Ok.
Kenya: (sings a song to the tune of neener neener neener, while taking picture on my phone)
I took a picture of your fooot.
I took a picture of your fooot.
But its so close that you can't seee it.
Cause it's reeally daaaark.
I can take a picture of the mooon.
I can take a picture of the mooon.
Uh oh. Ummm, what do I push now?
Kelsie: Here let me see.
Kenya: Do you know what a caboose is?
Kelsie: What is it?
Kenya: It's where your back is.
Kelsie: Really?
Kenya: Yeah, it looks like a booty.
Kelsie: I thought a caboose was on a train.
Kenya: (laughs) A caboose? (laughs again) On a train? (more laughing) A caboose can't be on a train?
Kelsie: Let me show you. (typing caboose in google)
Kenya: You're spelling it?! (laughs more)
Kelsie: Kenya, look.
Kenya: Oh, it's part of a train.
Kelsie: Hey mom's home! Here give me that. (take my phone) How many videos did you take of your leg?!
Kenya: (giggles) I dunno, like 5.

Here's her pictures (the first one is the moon, btw):

We Can Only Hope

In looking at my list of posts, I think I've done quite well with maintaining my general theme of nothing in particular. Today, I'm going to do something completely random, and talk about something serious. Heck, I might even throw some Bible verses in here (also, I probably shouldn't use heck and Bible verses in the same sentence). Anywho, my subject today is hope.

So, I sat down with a friend for coffee the other day. Now, this is a different friend than Dating 101. I apparently need to name these coffee friends in order to keep them straight. For anonymity purposes, I shall name this friend Chesterfeld Whittington, but I'll call him Travis for short. Anyways, Travis came in from out of town for a couple days in between spring and summer classes at the university he attends. We've been friends since Chesterfeld was just a wee little freshman in high school, so it's always nice being able to catch up. Now, coming back from that tangent, Travis said something that really stuck with me about the atmosphere of the town. He was only back for a day or so and he already felt how burdened people were. I thought about it, and could relate to the feeling, because, well, I live here. Long after my Earl Grey was no longer palatable, this conversation still nagged at me. Why do we feel this way?

Later that night, it came to me...we are HOPELESS! Also, we have nowhere to wear our pretty dresses to, but mostly the hopeless. And by hopeless, I mean devoid of hope. Hope being the expectancy or belief that something we desire will happen. Devoid being to not possess or have been stripped of something. Initiating scripture insert....now:

Proverbs 13:12 - Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Now, here comes the pot calling the kettle black. Our biggest hope cannot be that it's sunny outside tomorrow. Or that someone else will cook dinner tonight. How can we be satisfied with our fulfilled longings when we've set our standards so small? (1 Corinthians 15:19,22 below) Now, let me set this straight, I DO hope it's sunny tomorrow, cause my hair is straight and I left my umbrella in the car, but my hope is in the Lord. (This is where I expect Wendi or Kayla to say, mmmhmmm Preach it sista!). Anyway, I'll wrap this up with more scriptures because my attention span it shortening the later it gets. Took me ten minutes to finish that sentence because I had to stop and think about the bruise on my leg. Here's my string of pearls (for those of you who were paying attention at church on Sunday):

Romans 8:24-25 - For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

Isaiah 40:31 - But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

1 Corinthians 15:19,22 - If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men...For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive.

Psalms 42:5 - Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Psalm 62:4 - Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him.